Snow.

So I live on the East Coast of Virginia, and we rarely get snow… if we do it is usually only a light dusting. Usually at the very mention of snow coming everyone floods… runs… ransacks the local Walmart to grab as many supplies as possible for the impending 1 inch snow of death that is coming. I unfortunately work at Walmart and I am not joking when I say there was probably 1,000 people in Walmart yesterday between 2pm-7pm. And there wasn’t even any sign of snow yet. So I went to bed thinking there wasn’t going to be that much snow, that I would be let down by the weather man as usual and that everyone went poor at Walmart yesterday for nothing.

I woke up and SNOW!!!!!!  LOTS OF SNOW!!!! And it is still Snowing!!!!  Actually its really only about 5 inches of snow but for my town that is a lot of snow. Ofcourse the whole city shut down when there was only 1 inch. Really almost every place is closed. Except Walmart… because they are evil and they only close for Christmas. So I called out. I want to just sit at home and enjoy this beautiful snowy day. Screw Walmart.

Yep. This is going to be the best snow day ever. 

I love snow because when you look outside, it just looks so clean and gorgeous. Then you go outside and its very quiet because no one is driving or going outside. Then at night its not that dark because the whit reflects all the light. Snow just makes my world perfect. Even if it is just for a few hours.

My ex, and how I met Jordan.

I met Jordan through Warner.

I met Warner my freshman year of high school. I was extremely shy, I had just had a boyfriend the week before who had dumped me for my best friend, and I was not having a good high school experience so far.
He was a senior, he was cute and he was funny. He had the ‘older bad guy’ thing going for him, but I found I could talk to him despite how horribly shy I was, and I remember how cool I thought he was.

He wasn’t my first kiss, but he did give me my first phenomenal kiss. A friend of mine dared him to kiss me, and I literally went weak all over, he had to hold me up. Unfortunately he wasn’t the stay with one girl for very long kind of guy. Plus we were, (and still are) complete opposites. He believes in God but doesn’t like him (I’m Christian), he does illegal drugs and deals them (I don’t), a good majority of his family is either dead or addicted to drugs or both (most of my family is alive and sober), he was very extremely outgoing (I was very extremely shy in high school), he is self centered, and he can be very negative and dark at times (I am a very positive person who smiles a lot).

Some how despite our vast differences we became best friends and we dated a few times while I was in high school but just about every time it ended before a week was over and he usually cheated on me. Some how we stayed friends.

Then December of my Junior year (he was graduated) we ended up dating for four months.

The first month and a half of it was sweet and cute, we had long conversations in the moonlight, he whispered nice things to me, we had good times. It wasn’t perfect though, an ex of his gave us some issues, and some times I had a hard time trusting him.

The second month rolled around and he was getting sexually frustrated and I wouldn’t give myself to him, we had a lot of good times still but we were having small issues with him wanting sex and me not liking his drugs.

Then the third month came. That was the month Jordan came to town. He was Warner’s friend who had been in Florida for a few months. When Warner heard that Jordan was coming to town he was so excited and he would not shut up about him. Warner moved in with Jordan, his dad and grandma, and started spending all his time with him. I was jealous. Up until Jordan came to town me and Warner were unhealthily inseparable, now I never got any time alone with my boyfriend. Never. So I was forced to hang out with Warner and Jordan, and that’s how I got to know Jordan.

Warner is exciting in a crazy way. I used to ruin shirts from sweating so much because he made me so nervous by being crazy when we went out in public. Poor little shy me. Warner always had to be doing something, he rarely ever just chilled. Warner liked to get drunk, do drugs, cuss, be negative, tell racist jokes (even though he doesn’t really hate black people). He was my complete opposite, and while that was exciting and fun in a nerve wrecking, always sweating kind of way, it made it really refreshing to meet Jordan.

Jordan is about 5 months younger than Warner. He’s about 5 inches taller than me, with blond hair and blue eyes and a handsome face. He is a relaxed gentleman, and a little bit of a game geek. He is in no way a “bad guy” like Warner. He’s the kind of guy who opens doors, and pulls out chairs for ladies.

I was fed up with Warner because he was always with Jordan and we never got to spend time alone and he really stopped showing very much affection towards me. Then one day Warner had to go out of town. I don’t remember why or how but somehow that day Jordan and I ended up hanging out. We talked and went to the beach with my friends. I liked talking to him, he was nice, and refreshing, and positive. When Warner came back to town, he moved out of Jordan’s house and back to his grandparents, and I still really didn’t get a lot of time alone with him. Then one day Jordan and I hung out alone again and that is when he informed me of Warner’s recent unfaithful ways. I was upset. I spent two days thinking about that, and how opposite me and Warner were, and how my parents and friends didn’t really like him. I decided Warner was not the one for me. I broke up with him. It tore me in two. He was very wrong for me but it hurt like hell to let him go. I was alone. I had broken up with my best friend, and worst boyfriend.

But Jordan continued to talk to me, and about a month later he took me on a date. A real date. He picked me up, dressed nice, and paid for my dinner. (Warner never paid for our dates. In fact on Valentines Day my gift was a T-Shirt and he got me high. I don’t do drugs but I did try it three times, for him.) Jordan impressed me. He opened the car door for me, he listened to old rock, AC/DC, The Beach Boys and Elvis. (I love that about him.) Up until I met him, no one I knew liked oldies. It was cute. Sure there are some people who like the oldies, but he only had about 2 CD’s that were made after the early 1990′s. He loves oldies music. He didn’t embarrass me in public, and we had fun.

We went on a couple more dates after that, then one night we decided to take a walk down my street. It was a very nice night, good temperature for the early summer, and it was a full moon. We walked and talked and flirted. Then we stopped in field to stand and enjoy the beautiful full moon. We were silent and just thinking to ourselves and he asked me, “Will you be my girl?”  It was so sweet. I said yes of course. And we had our first kiss that night. It was sweet, soft, tender and shy. I thought he was perfect for me.

The good and the bad.

What do I like about Jordan?
HE:
-listens to oldies. ACDC, Elvis, The Beach Boys, Led Zeppelin, The Stray Cats…. etc.
-has nice soft blond hair and pretty blue/hazel eyes.
-calls himself the Wolfman.
-is a great dancer and made my prom the best night of my life.
-is always around.
-has a ton of passion for his truck. (Even though it is a piece of shit)
-is always the perfect temperature to keep me warm.
-is a safe driver. (Even if sometimes he is too slow)
-is weirder than I am so I can really be myself.
-opens doors for me.
-acts like a gentleman.
-understands me.
-lets me yell at him because he knows that he is the only person I am not afraid to yell at, even when its not his fault.

What do I not like about Jordan?
-He doesn’t care what I do. Now I don’t want a man that is super jealous and protective but when Griffin came to the house to pick me up the other day, he didn’t even get up from his game to check him out and meet him.
-He can’t fill out paperwork for himself, like accident reports or his tax forms. His excuse is that his writing is too sloppy. If someone can’t do it for him then he won’t do it at all.
-He lies, even about stupid small things.
-He won’t go to the bathroom at our house, and I’m not talking about peeing. He is afraid of someone hearing him in the bathroom, so he leaves the house and goes somewhere else. And he’s been living at my house for almost 3 years and doing this.
-He can’t seem to get rid of anything. My parents let him live at our house and we keep all his junk, and he hasn’t even used it for the whole time he’s been living here because he can’t get to it, so obviously he doesn’t need it that bad so I wish he would get rid of it. He even keeps boxes things came in, like old game systems and such.
-He throws tantrums. If something in his life is going wrong and you try to talk to him about it he will yell and stomp on the ground and drive off, or run off.
-He only does the bare minimum to get by.
-He doesn’t do much of anything to help around the house.
-He plays video games or watches movies almost constantly if he’s not at work.
-He doesn’t kiss me or hold me much anymore. We never have passionate kisses anymore unless we are having sex… which I won’t do anymore.
-He can be very selfish and irrational. I live my life to bless others. It makes me happy to make everyone around me happy. He lives for himself.

My parents have given him so much. I feel so bad that they’ve put up with him just because they love me. I hope that one day I will be able to pay them back for this.

-Angel

So I went out last night..

with Nichole and an old friend named Griffin, and we discussed my relationship problems. I really wasn’t planning on it because I really don’t like telling them about it (probably because I know what I need to do I just don’t want to) but some how we got on that subject. And we all came to the conclusion that the situation and relationship I am in is not so great. So I am going to break up with him. And I don’t think it would be good for me to wait until July because then I might change my mind. But I don’t want to break up with him before my birthday which is next month because I don’t want to be all sad on my birthday.

I have a confession to make. I am not yet 21, I actually turn 21 next month. February 11.

I really don’t want to kick him out. I don’t want to abandon him. But I can’t be taking care of him, he’s got to be able to take care of himself. And I want to experience the whole dating thing. I’ve had Jordan since my Junior year of high school, so I kind of missed out on that.

I talked to my mom about this, so we are trying to figure out what to do.

I just can not forget why I am breaking up with him. I don’t want to lose my bravery. Right now I know what I need to do and I am no longer denying it. He’s crazy and a little bit immature, I can not be a 21 year old taking care of a 23 year old. I do not enjoy sex with him. When we are in bed I just want to get it over with. I mean sure, all of this bad stuff came with a good person but I just have to remember that I am not in a good situation and I have to be brave and get out of it.

I know I am afraid of being alone but I have to believe that I will find someone eventually and I don’t need to rush it.

I already have a plan for when I break up with him. I will tell him, “Jordan, I care for you but I can not take care of you anymore. You have to be able to take care of yourself before you can really have a good relationship, and you can’t do that. So I want us to see other people. That doesn’t mean I want to completely quit seeing you. I would like to keep going on dates with you, but I want to date other people and maybe when you can really take care of yourself things between you and me can be different and less stressful.”

Then I will see other people. And I do not want to get attached or have a boyfriend for like… a year. So I came up with some rules for myself. I will go on dates. And I can not see one guy more than once a week. That way I will not get easily attached to one guy. I am afraid of easily getting attached because I know I am afraid of being alone. And I don’t want to get obsessive. I will hang out with my friends a lot, and concentrate on school.

So that is my plan. Now I just have to remember my plan and why I am doing this and I have to figure out how to get Jordan out of my house. Where will he go? I don’t know. I do not want to destroy his progress. He has finally kept a job for a year and is getting better with communication. If I break up with him I don’t want him to lose that. I’m afraid he will just shut down or go crazy or something. I wish there was someone out there who was rich and wouldn’t mind just taking him for me.

Ththth-Th-Tha-That’s all folks.
-Angel

Numb.

Hmm. I have decided that I will still give Jordan until the end of July to really change. I told him I would give him that long and I am not going to go back on my word. I have decided though that you can’t just change people. I can’t make him be able to deal with his problems better. I can not make him be more motivated to do what he needs to do. That is all him. So if by the end of July things are not looking up significantly then I am going to make him move out. Which means he will probably end up moving to Georgia with his mom. I will tell him that we are going to see other people and that if he can ever prove to me that he can take care of himself so we can take care of each other equally then maybe we can be together again.

Of course this is all so easy to think about in my head. If it comes to this I hope I will have the guts and will power to actually do this.

I just don’t even know how I feel about him anymore. When I think about breaking up with him I don’t get sad. I feel nothing. When I tell him I love him or I kiss him, I feel almost numb. When I do those things it does not feel wrong though.  I do know that it feels normal to be with him, and I am scared of what it would be like to be with out him. And I feel sad when I watch movies and know what I want in a relationship and know that I’m not really getting it. We still have our sweet moments, and our happy moments, we rarely argue, but we don’t feel perfect for each other anymore.

If I do break up with him I don’t want the doors to our relationship to be completely shut though. I want to be able to date other people and maybe still go on dates with him. I want to experience the whole dating thing, but I don’t want to completely lose him. And when I think about that I feel really selfish, because I  know I would get possessive if he were to date other girls. It’s like I want to be able to date other guys but have the security of him being there for me still. But I can’t expect him to just sit there and wait for me while I date other guys. That’s unreasonable.

I wonder if he would object to each of us seeing other people and us still being friends and going on casual dates.

I have talked to him about these things before, but he was drunk and he doesn’t remember. He said he would be sad but he would understand. And that was while he was drunk so maybe he would be ok with it.

I am feeling less confused. Thank you all!

-Angel

Relationships…

This is about Jordan.

I am more of a visual artist so I will try to write this as good and short as possible.

Jordan and I have been together for 3 years and 7 months.

It started out great. Jordan was a refreshing person to be with. Way better than any of my previous boyfriends. He was (and still is) a gentleman. The kind of guy who opens doors for women and goes out of his way to put his girl first. We were perfect for each other I thought. We could be complete idiots around each other or we could be sweet or serious. I was completely at ease with him, and I still am. After we had been together for about 6 months I gave myself to him. Even though I had always thought I would wait for marriage. I did it because I thought we were so great together. He never asked me to, because he’s such a gentleman, he’d never do anything to make me feel uncomfortable. That changed our relationship for the better because it was exciting. We used to sneak into a house that was being renovated to be sold that he had the key to because he worked for the company renovating it and we would have sex for hours. It was great. For the longest time he seemed perfect.

It wasn’t until about a year and a half that things started going wrong. His dad kicked him out of his house, so my parents took him in (they made us sleep in separate rooms though of course.) Then bad things kept on happening one after the other. He’d get injured, or lose his job, or his truck would be practically falling apart and he has no money to fix it or get another one.

I caught him lying to my parents about why he had lost his job. He would always say it was the companies fault, something went wrong and they had to let him go. But usually the truth was for some reason he wouldn’t show up, because he didn’t feel good or he knew he was going to be late so he just didn’t go, and he would not communicate with his boss. For some reason he had a hard time calling people and saying that something was wrong and he’d be late or he couldn’t come in because he was sick. And then he’d just give up on the job thinking that he’d already screwed up so why bother. He had about 5 jobs in a year and a half.

I feel like there is something wrong in his head. Like he needs mental help. If something small goes wrong he acts like the whole world is ending, and he’ll flip out, get really angry and yell and leave. He doesn’t know how to deal with his problems. Then after he freaks out about them he will just forget about them. Push them way into the back of his mind and won’t try to solve them, just let them sit there. He plays games all the time, which is ok but I feel like they are part of his way of escaping the problems he’s pushed into the back of his mind.

It’s been getting better though. He’s had a job for a year now. Which is partially due to the fact that my mom is the secretary where he works, but I’m just glad he still has it. He hasn’t had a flip out episode in a month or two, even though things aren’t exactly peachy in our lives right now.

We are still completely at ease with each other. And I still love him but I am confused. It isn’t exciting anymore. We each go through the days working and I go to school. When I get home he is usually playing a game, and some days we might play a game together. But we never go out, he rarely kisses me anymore. He still says he loves me though. He will want to have sex but we don’t have that house to go to anymore and I usually don’t enjoy it because I am afraid of getting caught by my parents or of getting pregnant. Up until he actually kept a job I kept having to pay for his car insurance and phone bill. I feel like my parents and I are always taking care of him. I want to be taken care of and I feel like we lack passion now. We have fallen into a daily routine, and while it is comfortable most of the time, I’m bored.

I keep watching romance movies and thinking, I want passion like that. But then I tell myself it is just the movies and that doesn’t exist. Or I will think that, what I am seeing is only something that happens in the beginning of a relationship and then after a year or two that kind of stuff goes away.

I keep thinking, I just have to wait until he moves out, and can take care of himself and everything will change. We will get some space, and it will be exciting again. And maybe he will kiss me more because he won’t see me as often.

People keep telling me I deserve better. Warner says I need to find a guy who can take care of himself, and that I need to have more sexual experiences.

But I am comfortable. I don’t want to give up on him because everyone else has, I don’t want to be another person who gives up on him. He is a good guy and a gentleman and I’m afraid if I break up with him that I won’t find that anywhere else. I’m afraid that I might be afraid to be alone. I don’t want to search elsewhere and come up empty handed. But I don’t want to be taking care of him all of my life. I feel like I can’t do it anymore. I’ve given so much for him and he can barely help himself succeed. And even if I did decide to see other people, I’d have to either kick him out (which I love him too much to do) or I would have to wait for him to be able to move out. I’ve already told him he has until the end of July to shape up or he has to move out. But will I have the heart/guts to carry that out when the time comes?

I love him. But I can’t take care of him like this anymore, and I keep thinking its getting better, and it is going to keep getting better and better. I keep hoping. But I am not sure…..  I just don’t know what to do. Or how to handle it.

So that is it. That’s my relationship the best way I can summarize it. I hope my tale wasn’t too boring. I hope I will have better stuff to write about in the future.

Thank you to all who don’t mind giving a complete stranger a little bit of advice. I really appreciate it.
-Angel

What I don’t want.

Thank you to all who have commented with their advice. I am felling somewhat better now. : )

But I think this blogging thing is good, so I’m gonna keep doing it.

Kymlee suggested I figure out what I don’t want in a relationship. I think this is very good advice. So I have been thinking about it, and this is what I have decided.

I don’t want:
to be used
to be abused
to be ignored
to be taken advantage of
to be the only one making an effort
for me to be so attached that I don’t have my own life
to feel guilty if I decide to go out with a friend and leave him at home
to be the only one who can support us if we decide to live together without the help of my parents

Hmm.. I think that is a good start. I will think on this some more and add more if I think of any.

-Angel

I want to know about LOVE.

Ok. So I am confused about my relationship with my boyfriend. I’m not going to tell you why just yet. I’m not even going to tell you about us yet. I just want to know about love. What do you think love is? What should love be like?

I’ve been watching a lot of romance movies lately. (10 Things I Hate About You, He’s Just NOT That Into You, Kate and Leopold, The Ugly Truth, When Harry Met Sally, P.S. I Love You, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights) A bunch of chick flicks really. I know they are just fiction, but am I absurd wanting what is in those movies? Does ANY of that exist?

Are there any men out there that will gently caress your face and bring your lips to his for a gentle loving kiss? Are there men out there who will do anything for the one he loves? Who open doors, and pulls out chairs for women? Is there such thing as a love that when the man looks at his woman he thinks, I love her, I’ll do anything to make her happy? A love that when one person hurts the other one does too? Does the love in the fantasy movies exist ever in the real world? And if it does, can it last more than 4 years? 10 years? 30?

Please if anyone reads this, tell me what you think. Can this exist? What is your story of love? Is it passionate, companionship or both? And when you tell me please say whether you are a male or female and how old you are.

I need to know if I’m expecting something from Jordan that doesn’t exist in the first place.

I’m not stupid. I know the difference between fiction and reality. I just want to know how much fiction is based off of reality. Has anyone experienced a nearly fantastical love?

A little more about me.

Like I said on my about me section, I’m just a little confused about my life right now, and I have no one to talk about it.

I’m afraid if I talk to my “best friend” she’ll end up hating someone that I don’t want her to hate. If I talk to my parents, it puts more pressure on them, if I talk to my boyfriend… there is no telling what he will do.

I am confused about my relationship with my boyfriend of 4 years, I don’t know what to do about my relationship with my “best friend” Nichole, who I’ve known since first grade. My friend Candi  is so self involved with her mess of a life she doesn’t have time to listen to me and when she does her advice sucks. Which is probably why her life is a mess anyway. And I know what my friend Warner thinks but I don’t really like it and I want to hear what someone else thinks.

I am not a dramatic person, I loathe drama. Unfortunately it has a way of finding me.

So over my next few posts I will be telling stories of my relationships and asking questions that I want people’s opinions about. Forgive me if my questions seem naive, just bear with me.