Relationships…

This is about Jordan.

I am more of a visual artist so I will try to write this as good and short as possible.

Jordan and I have been together for 3 years and 7 months.

It started out great. Jordan was a refreshing person to be with. Way better than any of my previous boyfriends. He was (and still is) a gentleman. The kind of guy who opens doors for women and goes out of his way to put his girl first. We were perfect for each other I thought. We could be complete idiots around each other or we could be sweet or serious. I was completely at ease with him, and I still am. After we had been together for about 6 months I gave myself to him. Even though I had always thought I would wait for marriage. I did it because I thought we were so great together. He never asked me to, because he’s such a gentleman, he’d never do anything to make me feel uncomfortable. That changed our relationship for the better because it was exciting. We used to sneak into a house that was being renovated to be sold that he had the key to because he worked for the company renovating it and we would have sex for hours. It was great. For the longest time he seemed perfect.

It wasn’t until about a year and a half that things started going wrong. His dad kicked him out of his house, so my parents took him in (they made us sleep in separate rooms though of course.) Then bad things kept on happening one after the other. He’d get injured, or lose his job, or his truck would be practically falling apart and he has no money to fix it or get another one.

I caught him lying to my parents about why he had lost his job. He would always say it was the companies fault, something went wrong and they had to let him go. But usually the truth was for some reason he wouldn’t show up, because he didn’t feel good or he knew he was going to be late so he just didn’t go, and he would not communicate with his boss. For some reason he had a hard time calling people and saying that something was wrong and he’d be late or he couldn’t come in because he was sick. And then he’d just give up on the job thinking that he’d already screwed up so why bother. He had about 5 jobs in a year and a half.

I feel like there is something wrong in his head. Like he needs mental help. If something small goes wrong he acts like the whole world is ending, and he’ll flip out, get really angry and yell and leave. He doesn’t know how to deal with his problems. Then after he freaks out about them he will just forget about them. Push them way into the back of his mind and won’t try to solve them, just let them sit there. He plays games all the time, which is ok but I feel like they are part of his way of escaping the problems he’s pushed into the back of his mind.

It’s been getting better though. He’s had a job for a year now. Which is partially due to the fact that my mom is the secretary where he works, but I’m just glad he still has it. He hasn’t had a flip out episode in a month or two, even though things aren’t exactly peachy in our lives right now.

We are still completely at ease with each other. And I still love him but I am confused. It isn’t exciting anymore. We each go through the days working and I go to school. When I get home he is usually playing a game, and some days we might play a game together. But we never go out, he rarely kisses me anymore. He still says he loves me though. He will want to have sex but we don’t have that house to go to anymore and I usually don’t enjoy it because I am afraid of getting caught by my parents or of getting pregnant. Up until he actually kept a job I kept having to pay for his car insurance and phone bill. I feel like my parents and I are always taking care of him. I want to be taken care of and I feel like we lack passion now. We have fallen into a daily routine, and while it is comfortable most of the time, I’m bored.

I keep watching romance movies and thinking, I want passion like that. But then I tell myself it is just the movies and that doesn’t exist. Or I will think that, what I am seeing is only something that happens in the beginning of a relationship and then after a year or two that kind of stuff goes away.

I keep thinking, I just have to wait until he moves out, and can take care of himself and everything will change. We will get some space, and it will be exciting again. And maybe he will kiss me more because he won’t see me as often.

People keep telling me I deserve better. Warner says I need to find a guy who can take care of himself, and that I need to have more sexual experiences.

But I am comfortable. I don’t want to give up on him because everyone else has, I don’t want to be another person who gives up on him. He is a good guy and a gentleman and I’m afraid if I break up with him that I won’t find that anywhere else. I’m afraid that I might be afraid to be alone. I don’t want to search elsewhere and come up empty handed. But I don’t want to be taking care of him all of my life. I feel like I can’t do it anymore. I’ve given so much for him and he can barely help himself succeed. And even if I did decide to see other people, I’d have to either kick him out (which I love him too much to do) or I would have to wait for him to be able to move out. I’ve already told him he has until the end of July to shape up or he has to move out. But will I have the heart/guts to carry that out when the time comes?

I love him. But I can’t take care of him like this anymore, and I keep thinking its getting better, and it is going to keep getting better and better. I keep hoping. But I am not sure…..  I just don’t know what to do. Or how to handle it.

So that is it. That’s my relationship the best way I can summarize it. I hope my tale wasn’t too boring. I hope I will have better stuff to write about in the future.

Thank you to all who don’t mind giving a complete stranger a little bit of advice. I really appreciate it.
-Angel

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