Hmm. I have decided that I will still give Jordan until the end of July to really change. I told him I would give him that long and I am not going to go back on my word. I have decided though that you can’t just change people. I can’t make him be able to deal with his problems better. I can not make him be more motivated to do what he needs to do. That is all him. So if by the end of July things are not looking up significantly then I am going to make him move out. Which means he will probably end up moving to Georgia with his mom. I will tell him that we are going to see other people and that if he can ever prove to me that he can take care of himself so we can take care of each other equally then maybe we can be together again.
Of course this is all so easy to think about in my head. If it comes to this I hope I will have the guts and will power to actually do this.
I just don’t even know how I feel about him anymore. When I think about breaking up with him I don’t get sad. I feel nothing. When I tell him I love him or I kiss him, I feel almost numb. When I do those things it does not feel wrong though. I do know that it feels normal to be with him, and I am scared of what it would be like to be with out him. And I feel sad when I watch movies and know what I want in a relationship and know that I’m not really getting it. We still have our sweet moments, and our happy moments, we rarely argue, but we don’t feel perfect for each other anymore.
If I do break up with him I don’t want the doors to our relationship to be completely shut though. I want to be able to date other people and maybe still go on dates with him. I want to experience the whole dating thing, but I don’t want to completely lose him. And when I think about that I feel really selfish, because I know I would get possessive if he were to date other girls. It’s like I want to be able to date other guys but have the security of him being there for me still. But I can’t expect him to just sit there and wait for me while I date other guys. That’s unreasonable.
I wonder if he would object to each of us seeing other people and us still being friends and going on casual dates.
I have talked to him about these things before, but he was drunk and he doesn’t remember. He said he would be sad but he would understand. And that was while he was drunk so maybe he would be ok with it.
I am feeling less confused. Thank you all!
-Angel
